As I’m sure you’re aware, last Monday—my transfer day—has come and gone. I didn’t back out at the last minute; I was in near-constant freak-out mode; I experienced a weird ambulance ride with a nurse (one of my favourites), me on a stretcher because it’s policy even though I’m mobile and could’ve made the journey on foot; there were several hiccups; and here I now am in the neurology ward. Its general ambience is more or less just as I remember it, the electrodes glued to my head are just as itchy, and I’ve been asked, “Do you remember me?!?” by at least 75% of the staff. (To be fair, I was a pretty memorable presence the last time I was here.)
In other words, I’m “home.”
I give myself a solid A minus in terms of how I’ve been handling this stay. I’ve been doing my best to remain positive, distracted, and on track, often easier said than done with a weirdo brain like mine, and, all things considered, I’d say that things have gone more or less as expected despite a few big-to-me issues having arisen. And if you think about it, “more or less as expected,” even if the “expected” was “horrible,” is way better than “worse than expected.” And yes, that’s my version of a positive mindset.
Let’s continue with this positivity, shall we?
Reasons I’m Happy to Be Here
1) My husband can visit for four hours a day, and since he happened to have this past week off, he’s been able to come for most of those four hours every day. Having become habituated to seeing him only on Thursdays and Sundays for a combined four hours a week, I still haven’t been able to get over this. Regularly seeing my significant other while I’m stuck in the hospital? I’ll file that under “wins.”
2) I can leave the unit, if accompanied by my husband, twice a day for twenty minutes each time. This is a big deal because I hadn’t been allowed off my unit at the other hospital since … February? Indeed, going to the lobby on Monday was my first time experiencing this new pandemicky world. My husband had to remind me to a put on a mask, to socially distance, and to refrain from picking up and inspecting every nail polish at Shoppers Drug Mart. It’s been a slow adjustment.
3) A cloud of negativity is concealing all other Reasons I’m Happy to Be Here, but I’m sure there’re more. I’ll think about it.
This is a very, very challenging environment for me. I’m thus very proud of myself for even agreeing to consider coming; when I swore after my last admission here that I’d never return, I really meant it. Nothing groundbreaking has come from this stay so far. I did have a few seizures last night, but I apparently ripped the electrodes off my head right at the beginning of the first one (whoops), so there’s video footage but no EEG data to work with. But if this poorly timed stay results in nothing else, I’ve at least proven to myself that I can survive being here should I need to return in the future to do more epilepsy “work.” I don’t need to like it, but I can get through it. That’s what life’s all about, right?