All I Really Want

All hail Alanis. (With that out of my system, I can now proceed.)

I’ve been finding it really hard lately to accept help from PSWs. There are several reasons for this, chief among them that support workers represent, to me, what I’ve lost in terms of independence. As I’ve become increasingly capable, I’ve also become increasingly resistant to the idea that I’m not 100% self-sufficient.

My husband frequently reminds me, however, that my world is expanding in part because the support I receive facilitates my capacity to do stuff that boosts my quality of life. He’s a frustratingly smart and insightful man.

Still, I frequently catch myself narrowing the requests I make of my PSWs in a manner not totally in sync with my broadening self-care skills. This has in turn led to a gap between what I need and what I’m getting. It’s a hard balance to strike, especially since it isn’t as if my actions affect me alone—they inevitably have consequences for my husband, too. When my overconfidence results in tasks that I really can’t do for myself not getting done at all, it’s usually he who picks up the slack, thus adding to his already-lengthy to-do list. Not fair to him, obviously, and not good for our relationship, either.

What’s the solution, then? Moodily listening to Alanis and drowning in self-pity and BO?

As usual, it’s a process. I’ve been coming to terms with the dialectic at play here. I can be gaining independence and still require assistance with my ADLs. I can rely on others and rely on myself. I keep droning on about this, but I’m learning more and more to accept and embrace the grey.

All I really want, as it turns out, is to be happy, healthy, and less smelly.